


A Little Lost

by alixiecivet



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, More peaceful times, pearlidot - Freeform, spearmint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 17:29:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5975455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alixiecivet/pseuds/alixiecivet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20aShH1JPfY">this</a> song. Pearl assembles a bike for her favorite gem and suggests they go for a nice ride along a Spring path. Peridot, however, is a little lost in how she feels, and can't seem to do the thing she's been thinking about for weeks: kiss Pearl.<br/>Extremely sugary, self-indulgent, and featuring gems in human attire. Because I love Pearl in dresses. And I really want Peridot to always be wearing a t-shirt. Also, Lapis paints. Because why not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Little Lost

**Author's Note:**

> _Oh I'm a little lost_  
>  Without you  
>  That may be an understatement  
>  And I hope I've paid the cost  
>  To let a day go on by   
>  And not call on you
> 
> _…._

“What is that?”

“A bicycle.”

Peridot moved out from the sun to the shade. Pearl was standing under a row of trees with a bicycle on either side of her. The larger bike, presumably Pearl’s, was propped on a kickstand. The frame of it was pastel blue, with white tires, and a brown wicker basket mounted at its front. The other, Pearl’s hands on both handlebars, had an olive frame with coffee-colored accents, dark tires. It was smaller than the other bike. Peridot-sized. It didn’t look used, but not necessarily new, either.

Pearl had come by that afternoon to the barn, trailing Steven and Connie. Lapis invited them the day before, promising a walk down by the beach. In return, Steven offered a picnic. Peridot didn’t expect to see Pearl. She hadn’t been there when the Sunday plans were arranged. 

Pearl peeked into the barn, looking hesitant to come inside.

“Oh. It’s you.”

Pearl had stared at her for a long while, still grasping the wall of the barn entrance. Peridot didn’t know what was expected to happen next. Sometimes these moments occurred between them, this quiet. She wondered if Pearl were thinking thoughts anything like her own. Thoughts that, for months now, had inspired her to breathe. But in breathing she learned how to lose breath, too. Looking down at her bare toes, she ambled out of the barn to where Pearl stood, cocking her head to the side as she stared up at her. Pearl’s eyes had followed hers. The expression there was hard to read. 

Still not speaking, the tall gem took Peridot’s hand, leading her down the hill toward the fence.

Now standing under the trees, a faint breeze ruffled Pearl’s pale blue dress. Peridot had never seen Pearl in a dress. She was quietly amused by the billowing fabric, as if Pearl were a passing cloud. Peridot had long ago taken to simply wearing whatever earth attire she’d found around the barn or beach house, usually t-shirts, and her favorite, shorts. She’d even taken to keeping barefoot, in part inspired by Lapis. She liked toes. Feeling what was under her was important. Grass. Dirt. The wooden floor of the beach house. She indulged in subtle sensations. The simplicity was reassuring. 

Once, she went with Lapis and Steven out to some shops in Beach city, where the two tried vainly to get Peridot into a dress. In the end, she found herself upside down on a department store couch, bored, watching Lapis come in and out of a dressing room, Steven tossing over outfit after outfit.

The water gem also preferred human attire. 

Of course, only when they weren’t on missions.

But that wasn’t so often anymore.

Things had settled considerably. Two years had passed since they’d stopped the emergence of the cluster. Within that timeframe they had also delayed Homeworld’s second invasion of their star system. They were still not completely free of threat. 

But the days were peaceful.

It gave all of them time to find where they fit in. Seasons breezed through so casually, and lives came to life only to die in what seemed a moment’s pause. Within all of that, that mystery, love, revealed itself in things gems would normally have overlooked. Ocean waves, midnight rain against the windows, the sounds of a messy weekend morning in the kitchen: nothing had ever been so foreign yet welcoming in all Peridot’s existence. There was hardly any time to keep these things within the frail timeline of a human life. Peridot had never thought much of time. But now there were things to protect.

Lives she valued.

Those that she loved.

How she loved everyone was the same, but also different. She’d spoken to Garnet many times about how to handle this puzzling phenomenon. Sometimes love made her feel good, other times, sad, almost. It either provoked or repelled all kinds of other feelings, like jealousy and disappointment, or respect and trust. Garnet was calming. She patiently explained these things from her experience, and tried to work it out with her. Usually it made sense. When it didn’t, at least the fusion gem gave her reassurance that what she experienced was normal. That didn’t make it less of a challenge, though.

Out of the three Homeworld gems, Peridot was the most questioning. She didn’t keep much to herself when she wanted to understand. Even if the answers she was given made things even less understandable, she never let anything be an obstacle. 

Well, except for Pearl.

Who, for the past few months, was relentlessly haunting her thoughts.

They worked together well, and had so much to discuss in the manner of technology and science. Pearl got to hear about the Homeworld she’d missed for so long, and Peridot got lessons in the everyday skills needed to navigate the planet earth. Somewhere in there, they got closer and closer, beyond talk of star systems and auto repair. Pearl was full of ambition and couldn’t seem to ever keep still, and like Peridot, wanted to know as much as she could about everything. Unanswered questions were what drove her to excel at even the simplest tasks. She was also paradoxical, concerned about what others thought of her, but also able to, for better or worse, tune out those same individuals when she became fascinated by something new to learn. 

Other things about Pearl also drew her in. Things that Peridot had learned much later.

Peridot was baffled by Pearl’s one-sided love affair with a gem that left her for someone she’d only known a short time. It was extraordinary that Pearl not only accepted Steven, but loved him. Truly, wholly, loved him.

Peridot couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d left some kind of smudge in their relationship, all the way back from that ridiculous day at the barn.

She probably had a laundry list of apologies, in that case, from her first few weeks, maybe months, of being with the crystal gems. 

But that was unnecessary. Peridot had more than made up for everything. It had never been a matter of anyone owing anything to begin with, even apologies. So why feel so bad about Pearl?

“I assembled it especially for you. I’ve been collecting parts here and there. I finished it some time ago. I was just waiting for a nice day, I guess.” Pearl, smiling, shrugged.

So the bicycle really was for her.

Why.

And also, what was she supposed to do with it?

In the distance, Steven had burst into laughter about something. The voices of the three were muffled by the hill they were on the other side of.

“Thanks?” Peridot walked over and took the bike by the handle bars, waiting a small moment for Pearl to remove her long fingers. She looked the bike over, as if there were something she’d missed and needed to address.

“I thought we could go for a ride. It’s beautiful today.” Pearl stared off wistfully toward the sea of hills and nearby ocean. A bird above them was balancing on a tender branch too young to keep still. But the bird refused to try another, and stayed put, chattering to the wind until eventually it was singing.

“It’s… _pleasant_ out. I suppose I agree.” Peridot wasn’t sure what Pearl meant about going for a ride. So she expected Peridot actually use the bike? Right now? 

She wanted her hair out of her face.

“Do you have something for this,” Peridot pointed to the back of her head, “in there?” She pointed at Pearl’s gem.

The other didn’t need explanation.

“Here.” She put a hand into her gem and retrieved a hair tie, placing it into Peridot’s outstretched hand. 

Peridot was about to attempt a messy pony tail, but Pearl made a small “hmm.”

“Want me to do it?”

Pearl never let by an opportunity to do little things like that.

Peridot gave back the hair tie.

“I don’t know how to use one of these.” Peridot didn’t want to say it. She turned back to Pearl when the other was done with her hair. It was still messy, but probably better than what Peridot would have tried.

“I’m going to show you. Unless you want to figure it out on your own. Which I don’t recommend.”

“Good. Something else I can add to my list of skills for integrating in human culture. This is important, right?” Peridot had been studying human behaviors like paying bills or doing laundry, to better empathize with their situation. Pearl was often her advisor in these things.

The small gem was a tad derailed when Pearl half smirked and raised an eyebrow, looking as if she might laugh.

“Sure. You might want to categorize it as “leisure,” though.”

“Like fun.”

“I was going to say that, but you hardly ever use the word. Even when you’re having it.”

“Why are you always implying that I hate everything?”

“You’ve got it wrong.” Pearl smiled again, shaking her head.

Peridot looked away, then down at the damp soil. She dug in her toes. Pearl was always showing her things. Like Garnet, her patience spanned miles. Amethyst mentioned that Pearl wasn’t always so patient. Or at least, that she was, but not like she was now.

“A lot happened right before you got stuck here with us. The icing on the cake was her slugging you in the face.” An amused snort.

There again with the punch in the face. She wasn’t sure Amethyst knew what she was doing with that cake idiom, but she understood.

“… actually, if you hadn’t been such a butt I don’t think she would have changed so fast. You really pissed her off. In a good way.” More Amethyst commentary.

The quartz gem’s words were unclear.

What Peridot did understand was that Pearl took genuine interest in her growth. For example, learning to read and write. This had probably been the most painful series of lessons. Still ongoing. It was Peridot who was constantly upset. She may have even thrown over the desk. A few times. A lot.

She still couldn’t spell.

“Pita, I think you’re dysphoric.” Amethyst was always there, half-heartedly trying to help.

“Amethyst, I think you mean dyslexic.” Pearl sat beside Peridot, leaning over the language workbook.

“Whatever. Diabetic.”

“Disfle- dis- dyslectic?” Peridot had actually been behaving that morning. She held the pencil up over her paper, trying to remember what that meant. Even though it wasn’t a word.

“ _Dyslexic_ ,” Pearl had given her a pat on the head, “it’s a learning dis- It’s a _unique_ way of processing written communication. At any rate, I don’t think you are…that.”

There were countless other memories Peridot held onto, even if was just something like taking out the trash. And of course, much better moments, like sitting on the floor of the loft, her back against Pearl’s chest as they played cards with the others. At some point Peridot had become comfortable resting her head on Pearl’s arm or even lying down in her lap. She thought nothing of it, actually, and Pearl didn’t seem to, either. All of the gems were close in this way. She did the same kinds of things with Garnet or Amethyst or Steven. It was familial affection. 

But then, one day, Peridot had the overwhelming urge to kiss Pearl. 

Peridot had yet to experience a kiss. She saw kissing in films, in advertisements, on the streets in Beach City. There were all kinds of kisses, all manner of ways in which one could kiss and be kissed. She asked Garnet about kissing one day, after getting a very unclear answer from Steven.

But Garnet just smiled.

“There’s nothing to understand about it, until you find yourself needing to kiss, and then actually kissing.”

That was a worse answer than what Steven had given.

Peridot wanted to kiss Pearl, and for Pearl to kiss back. Suddenly she was anxious when Pearl so much as patted her shoulder or they brushed hands. She wanted it. Did Pearl?

Peridot was so caught up in these thoughts that she concluded something mentally had gone wrong. Even so, she kept the anxiety to herself, not knowing how to speak to anyone about it.

“This is something that, once you get the hang of it, you won’t ever forget. There’s an earth saying about it, _“Like riding a bike_.”” Pearl was circling around on her own bicycle, going up the hill a few times. Her demonstrations were narrated with instructions on how each part of the bike functioned. Peridot nodded a few times, only half-listening, the rest of her attention trapped in kissing thoughts and the notion that riding a bike didn’t look at all difficult. 

“Want to try it?” Pearl stopped in front of her, long legs splayed out to keep from tipping over with the curious transport vehicle.

“Hm?” Peridot was staring at the other’s lips.

“Getting on your bike. You want to try it?” Pearl smiled a little, eyebrows again raised.

Peridot didn’t appreciate the disjointed body language.

“Yeah.” She tossed a leg over her own bike, standing but confused about what to do next. Comprehending the relationship she needed to have with the bike, nothing about balancing on a few thin bars attached to two thin wheels made any sense. It was ridiculous. Impossible.

She was determined to figure it though.

Her first few attempts ended in her falling in what seemed like slow motion to either the left or right. It was a surprise each time. An unwelcome, now frightening surprise.

Falling off a bike hurt.

“What exactly about this mode of transportation is so appealing to earth dwellers? You would think by now travelling over surfaces of the planet would at least utilize _elementary_ electromagnetic technology… but NO. THIS IS WHAT THEY COME UP WITH.” Peridot motioned sarcastically to the collapsed bicycle on the ground. She continued ranting about the limitations of human invention, commending their ambition but confused as to why they seemed to be taking so long to advance, considering the limited timeframe each life had.

She was waving her arms around, walking back in forth in front of Pearl. She was so absorbed in her commentary that she didn’t even realized at what point Pearl had propped her bike, walked behind Peridot, led her in front of it, and held either side of her hands to the handlebars.

“You’re a little lost, aren’t you?” Pearl had leaned in from behind her, and that was when Peridot became aware of what was happening.

It was nice.

_A little lost?_

She was floundering inside.

“Get back on. I’ll be right beside you.”

Peridot bit her lower lip, wrinkling her nose at the vehicle. If Pearl could do it, so could she. Stupid invention or not. She sat, Pearl no longer holding both her hands, but right beside her, eyes intent on the smaller gem.

“One foot on the pedal, then the other.” Pearl spoke softly, a whisper in Peridot’s subconscious. 

Guilt rose up within. It made her nervous. She kept thinking of all the kinds of kisses she’d seen. Not one was the same. Not all of them seemed to mean the same thing, either. But a kiss meant something important. That’s why the characters and people she had seen do it were so close to each other, spent so much time together. Maybe what she was feeling was like what she saw between Steven and Connie, or Ruby and Sapphire (the whole of Garnet, essentially). What was it called? _In love._

Reasonable. That wasn’t a problem. 

_I don’t know what I’m doing._

She was moving. Slowly, but moving.

“This is good, right?” Peridot looked down in surprise.

“Almost there. Now, this is the hard part: I promise if you go faster, it will be a lot easier.”

“….. _but_.”

“I can’t walk beside you the whole way. You might fall again, but you need to keep trying.”

Peridot blushed.

_I can’t argue with that._

She made a little huff, then pedaled a little harder. She leaned forward, feeling as if she might fall. But she caught her balance, and as Pearl instructed, pedaled faster. Faster. Less wobbly. Not wobbly at all.

She was flying alongside the fence, passing Lapis, Steven, and Connie on the hill, both of them rolling down.

“Hey! Look! She’s doing it!” Steven helped himself up and waved.

Peridot sank into her shoulders a little and turned blue. She waved timidly back.

She passed the hill, and realized she wanted to turn back around.

“Ummm…” Pearl hadn’t taught her that.

The attempt ended in a face-first crash into the side of the hill.

“OH! IS SHE OK?”

She could hear the others rushing over, and then a few apologetic sounds coming from Pearl in the distance.

A few tries later, she felt confident enough to go along the path with Pearl. As they set off Pearl waved over at the three that she was now passing for the second time. Lapis stood up from where she sat in front of an easel, paintbrush in hand.

“DON’T FALL OVER ANY CLIFFS! Or crash into a cow- UMPH!” The sunhat over Lazuli’s head almost caught up in a sudden gust, and she had to use both hands to keep it down.

Peridot scowled in her direction, but then focused back on pedaling. Pearl had gotten slightly ahead of her. Which she didn’t mind. Pearl could lead anywhere. Peridot only wanted to be right there with her.

The whole ride was quiet, but it didn’t seem necessary to say anything. The breeze of April gently brought in the sea, and the earth below them was slightly damp from the on and off rain that week. Peridot liked that smell. Dirt. It was slightly ironic. The lowliest state of being back home was now something she loved. She’d seen too many things come from the dirt, too much life, to feel negative about it. She hardly had time to feel so mild about things. Being with Pearl like this was… 

_I want to stay, but I also want to run away._

It was as if everything were in place except herself.

They came to a narrow part of the path lined with much older trees than what was near the barn. Trees in bloom with white flowers. Petals snowed down on them like butterflies. At first, Peridot had actually thought they were rolling through thousands of tiny wings. She was waving them away, panicking slightly, when she turned to Pearl, who was staring at her calmly with a handful of petals outstretched.

“Oh… ahahaha.”

When Pearl saw that she understood, she smiled, opening her palm and pedaling farther ahead, leaving a trail of blooms behind her.

Peridot passed through them, wondering how it was she hadn’t found that annoying.

The path led them to an isolated cove, one lined with tall grass and wildflowers almost down to the sand.

“Can’t pedal here.” Pearl rested her bike against a rock. Peridot followed suit. 

The afternoon waves came languidly in and out. A small creek had followed along the path, and it emptied out into the cove from above them. Pearl wandered behind the falling water, staring up through the recesses of an almost-cave. Greenery clung to the rough black surface of sea cliff. She was examining the plants, it looked like.

Peridot want to explore the tiny caves with her, but the ocean seemed, for once, inviting. She couldn’t bring herself to talk to Pearl anyway.

She walked close to the water, careful not to get _too_ close. She wasn’t particularly fond of water. She didn’t hate it. She just preferred solid ground. Lapis had maybe traumatized her some. Most of her experiences with the ocean had turned into the water gem trying to drown her, or gather bombs of sea life to drop over her head.

Peridot grumbled at the horizon. She sighed.

She had slowly begun to keep from wearing her visor everywhere. She only wore it when she was working, or on missions, or if she happened to be going into town (rare). But at the barn, or the beach house, or like now, her face was exposed to the sun, the salty air, to maybe a spray of sea water. She looked down at herself, scrawny gem in a pair of running shorts and loose tank top. She examined her hands, each finger. Then her legs. She wasn’t sure what to make of herself. Her own existence was in that moment unsettling. 

Instead of depressing herself further, she walked close to the water, contemplating just walking into it.

Disappearing into it.

That thought wasn’t helping her feel any better.

Another sigh.

Then a frustrated kick at the sand.

Peridot looked back at Pearl, who was climbing the rocks, and just close enough that she could hear her singing, but also far enough that she couldn’t make out the specifics of the sounds. The other’s hair was flowing in every direction of the steady breeze, which rushed through now and then with a kind of urgency. With her cloudy dress, Peridot thought Pearl looked as if she could effortlessly take up with the wind. Go high above the cliffs, the hills, far from her.

_Think back._

Peridot closed her eyes.

_When did this happen._

She pictured several memories, none in any chronological sequence. Just Pearl holding her hand (what was even the context of that memory?), falling asleep in Pearl’s lap while the other leafed through _Popular Mechanics,_ Pearl hugging her from behind as they sat in the makeshift school room, taking a lemonade break with Lazuli and Amethyst. Peridot wanted that all the time.

Not even necessarily to feel safe.

Just. 

Not alone.

“….”

A shadow cast behind her. Peridot turned around to the thoughtful Pearl looking toward the sea. Her long arms were crossed. She looked slightly serious. Or maybe lost in thought. Peridot didn’t want to interrupt.

“You’re so near the water.” Pearl nudged her.

Peridot scoffed, and then shrugged. 

“I can’t think.”

She hadn’t meant to blurt that out.

There was a pause.

“What’s wrong?”

Well this was bad. A “what’s wrong” from Pearl usually ended up in a motherly mess. Peridot shook her head.

“There isn’t anything wrong. In fact,” Peridot mastered just enough bravery, “I didn’t think this bicycle thing would be any interesting. But it has been. Thank you.”

The last part was said abruptly, as if saying it quicker would mask her having said it at all.

“Well you’ve been holed up in the barn since winter. But it’s spring now.”

“There’s a lot for me to do in there.” Peridot drew her shoulders up.

Pearl laughed.

“Every evening I’ve come by you’re up in the loft watching re-runs with Jasper.”

“Well I don’t have anything else to watch, since “the production” teams take an embarrassingly long time making new episodes. How hard is it to make TV anyway?”

“All I can say is you have your whole life to watch TV.” Pearl poked the small gem’s bare shoulder. 

Peridot swatted her away.

“What about you?”

Pearl brought a hand to her mouth.

“Me? I’m everyone’s mom.”

Peridot frowned. Then she smirked.

“All I can say is you have your whole life to be everyone’s mom.”

Pearl melted into a smile.

“I can’t help it. But anyway, I know you do work, and I’m doing the same. But these days, I’m mostly at the arena with Steven and Connie. Sometimes I’m there alone,” Pearl looked away slightly, “you haven’t come by in so long. I think often about how you’re doing… you know, with lessons. You aren’t bad with a sword. Not like I imagined you’d be.”

“Thanks.” She narrowed her eyes.

“You’re welcome. Now, when will you come by?”

“… whenever you want me to.” 

“Tomorrow.”

“What time?”

“Whatever time it is right now.”

“I think it’s two.”

“Then two.”

“Ok.”

They stood, together, staring at the water. Peridot glanced down at her feet again, then at Pearl’s. Pearl’s long feet. Her eyes followed the hem of her dress to her waist to her crossed arms, to the side of her face. Her nose… a potentially gawky disaster, but wasn’t. She was a crane. A water bird. A Bird.

Peridot wanted to hold her hand, but Pearl’s crossed arms didn’t make that gesture easy. So she looked up at the hill behind her. Flowers.

“Where are you going?” 

“I’m going up the hill.”

Peridot walked off, looking back at Pearl whose eyes were still on her, then back on the ocean.

When she was at the top, she saw Pearl below turning, her arms in the air, then down, her torso twist then unfurl. She was practicing her impossibly dainty way of fighting. Thousands of years of practice. Thousands of years to continue looking like a fancy servant as she brought a sword down over an enemy, splitting them into two. Peridot thought it was unnecessary. But Peridot wasn’t Pearl. She was definitely not Pearl. 

What was Pearl thinking, bringing her along like this, giving her the bike, leading them to the beach, wanting to be with her at all? 

Peridot sorted through flowers, being careful not to yank out a handful of bees. She knew Pearl wasn’t impressed by things like cut flowers. Pearl liked useful gifts, or things that may have particularly special meaning. Peridot understood. She didn’t really understand those kinds if gestures, either. But this was giving her something to do. Because she couldn’t reach out and hold Pearl’s hand. To feel better, to give herself some relief, she was reaching into the soil instead. 

“Oh. What are those for?” Pearl watched Peridot place the flowers in her basket. They were heading back up the trail, walking up the hill with their bicycles.

_What,_ she said. Not _who_.

“They’re for,” Peridot felt a little stupid now, wishing she hadn’t picked anything at all, “they’re for Lazuli.”

Why would she say that. 

“Oh. _Ok_.” Pearl looked straight ahead, confused, probably.

Peridot had to come up with something. Fast.

“She wanted flowers.”

“She did?”

“…yeah. Whatever. She likes this kind of dumb thing.”

Pearl picked up one of the flowers, inhaling the scent and looking sympathetic for the feelings of flowers everywhere.

Not helping.

“….”

“I mean, it’s not _that_ dumb. But it’s kind of useless. _Flowers,_ ” Peridot made an exaggerated, contemptuous snort, “I mean I wouldn’t ever give them to someone or anything or even _think_ of giving you flowers. Why would I give you flowers, why would anyone ever think that. I don’t even like flowers why would I want you to have something like that ahahahahAhhhaha.”

Pearl didn’t look confused anymore, but she was smiling. That was worse.

“Ok. Want to go back now?” Pearl nonchalantly placed the pink bloom in her hair, and then got on her bike, waiting for Peridot’s answer.

Peridot’s lips were pursed on one side, her brows knitted. At least Pearl hadn’t said anymore. She got on her own bike and nodded, mortified and not able to hide her overwhelming blush.

Back at the hill, they joined in on the picnic that had just started. Neither ate, but Pearl did enjoy some strawberry tea. Steven had both a ham sandwich and a slice of cake, and Connie was reaching from his bag of chips, chattering away about the new debate club at her school. The sun had softened enough that they didn’t need to be under any shade.

“Want some?” Lapis looked down at Peridot.”

“No thanks.”

Peridot was lying down on her back beside Lapis, who was taking her time forking through an enormous piece of almond cake. It only looked like waste. Lapis could almost eat as much as Amethyst. The only difference was her snail’s pace approach.

“Are you sure?” The water gem spoke through a mouthful of cake.

“Yes.”

“Ok.” As Lapis spoke, she’d reached down to dab a puff of frosting on the technician’s tiny nose.

“ _Aghhugh_.” Peridot sat up, and for a split second attempted to lick it off, to her offender’s great amusement. Glowering at Lapis, she rubbed it away with her forearm.

“I hate you.”

“Is that why you’re cuddled up next to me?”

Peridot, still sitting up, blushed.

“ _No_.” She said it in that cracked tone, the one that asserted she was lying.

Lapis Lazuli laughed. 

Peridot _did_ actually enjoy the company of Lapis. Despite how much the other relentlessly teased her. Just not in the same way she enjoyed Pearl’s company. It was a little absurd, but she was paranoid about giving Pearl the wrong idea. That her and Lapis… 

Peridot whipped her head around to Pearl. Pearl was half smiling.

Smiling at the bouquet in the water gem’s lap.

Peridot bit her lip and lied back again, jabbing Lapis in her side.

“Peridot!”

The other almost dropped her plate, which Connie and Steven happened to see. They were laughing. She couldn’t hear Pearl say anything.

Looking up at the clouds, she settled into a nagging state of worry.

The intricacies of emotional maturity were worse than the thought that, not only was there one completely absurd written language system on earth, but hundreds. She would rather drown in the alphabets of the world than endure the torture that was love.

She jabbed Lapis in the side again. For good measure.

Some time later, Steven had taken out his ukulele and Connie her violin. They’d walked up one of the many little hills. They weren’t playing anything in particular, starting and stopping as if they were learning a new song. It was still pleasant to hear. Pearl was talking to them. Talking about music.

Peridot sighed.

Lapis had returned to painting, her wooden box of watercolors spread around her as she sat in front of her easel. Peridot turned to her side, propping her head up in her palm.

“You really like that, don’t you.”

“I’m not sure how I’ve lived all this time not having painted. I’m so happy Steven thought I’d like it. I love it.”

“What are you painting, anyway?”

Lapis dipped her paintbrush in some blue.

“I’ll know when I’m done.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“I don’t expect it to make sense.”

Peridot quietly groaned.

“What’s wrong little one?” Lazuli adjusted her sunhat, turning to Peridot for a moment.

Why was she being asked this _again_?

“Your concern is unnecessary.”

“Aww, come on. What is it?”

Peridot gave her that distressed look, the one she’d been making all over since that morning.

Pearl and the other two were far enough away that they wouldn’t hear.

“Do you know how to kiss?”

Lapis let a tiny wave of shock pass through

“Do I _what_?” She set down the paints and paintbrush.

She sounded almost upset. But it was just the shock.

“Ughh,” Peridot turned her eyes upward, “don’t make me say that again.”

“No, no, no,” Lapis seemed genuinely apologetic, and as if she didn’t want to scare the green gem off, “I just never thought I would hear those words come out of your mouth. Wow,” Lapis tapped a finger to her lips, frowning down at the grass, “I _really_ never thought I’d hear you say that.”

“Well, do you?” Peridot puffed her cheeks, nose crinkled.

“Kiss? Well, I haven’t kissed anyone in a long time… A LONG, LOOOOOONG time. But yeah. I have.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you kiss. What was the reason you kissed.”

Lapis cocked her head. If she were trying to process Peridot’s explanation it didn’t seem to be working. But she answered anyway.

“Oh… well Peridot, you understand what kissing means, right?”

“I’m not stupid!”

“OK, OK! But you need to explain your question.”

The younger gem sat up, huffing in frustration. She poked at the grass, eyes to the ground.

“I’ve been exposed to various ways of kissing through “media” and observed encounters of actual humans. But it seems that these different kinds of displays of affection mean a specific kind of love,” Peridot was confusing herself now, “I just want to know if there is a kiss that expresses something… a kiss that… a _perfect_ kiss, one that means you really love someone.”

Lapis stared intently at Peridot, eyes wide.

“Is this about Pearl?”

Peridot wanted to throw herself off the nearest cliff.

“Wh-what? H-how did you k-know?” 

“Everyone knows Pearl is your favorite. Out of all of us,” Lapis stared out at the other three, presumably eyeing Pearl, “you always somehow end up with Pearl when you’re alone,” Lapis looked away from Pearl, from Peridot, and her eyes were now toward the pink-tinged horizon, “I think you two have always been drawn to each other.” Lapis smiled, almost sadly.

Peridot had never heard Lapis sound so disheartened. The end part had been a little puzzling.

“I wasn’t aware my preference was made so obvious.”

Lapis turned back to her, smiling now.

“To answer your original question, I kissed because I was certain I would never see this particular someone ever again. This someone meant a lot to me. We shared a very unfortunate past. But we were, even if just briefly, in love,” the water gem again stared out at Pearl, “So I know that kiss. When I gave that kiss, it felt like we had invented it.”

It was Peridot’s turn to experience a small wave of shock. There was apparently a whole lot to Lazuli than she had ever bothered to ask about. Lapis, like Pearl, was really old. Even if the other had missed out on a few thousand years.

Not able to process the details, she did glean what she needed to hear from the water gem’s answer.

“Can you show me?”

The serious mood lifted when Lapis burst into laughter. Side splitting laughter.

“HEY. Why are you laughing? That isn’t funny. What’s funny about that?”

“Ho! Oh man, you are really something. Whenever I start feeling bad it’s moments like this that make me realize I’m happy with how everything’s turned out.” She was actually wiping away tears, she’d been laughing so hard.

“Lazuli!”

The other calmed herself down, and began picking up her paints to continue her work.

“Let me get to the point: there isn’t some right way to kiss, especially not any right way to kiss someone you’re in love with. You’ve actually already got 90% of it done, because step one is actually being in love. The rest? You do what feels right. You’re awkward as hell so it’s not going to be pretty, but that isn’t important. You can even ask her. Which again, is awkward, but that’s who you are, and that’s who, I’m assuming, Pearl loves. Because as obvious as it is you love Pearl, it’s just as obvious she loves you.”

Things like this made Peridot glad she put up with the obnoxious water gem. It helped her understand better why she liked being with her the most, second to Pearl. While she’d always thought it suspicious that Lapis had acclimated so well to human culture, enough to use the kind of phrasing and have the kind of attitude she did, her words were clear. Blunt, but clear. 

Even if her words were a bit of a punch in the face. Peridot knew her mouth was gaping a little.

Lapis giggled some more, shaking her head, “You’re a little a little lost, aren’t you?”

Peridot was done being lost.

“Everyone keeps saying that.” She got up from the ground, dusting the grass from her backside.

She was going to find Pearl. Because why weren’t they together.

“But thanks, Lazuli.”

“No problem, little one.”

She walked toward the others up the hill.

“Where’s Pearl?”

“She went to sit down there,” Connie pointed to a spot a bit down the hill below Lapis, “She said she wanted to watch the clouds.”

Peridot turned her eyes to where Connie had gestured. She watched the breeze move the grass back and forth, and almost didn’t see Pearl lying in the center of a green ocean.

“Hey.” Peridot stood over Pearl.

“I’m watching clouds.” 

“So I was told.”

Pearl gave a small, dispirited smile in response. She patted the grass beside her.

The small gem complied.

Peridot situated herself nearly against her, the sides of their arms and shoulders touching. Peridot was anxious again. Fluttery. She almost moved away. But gravity kept her put.

“Sometimes I still want to go back home.”

An interesting break in the silence.

“Really?” With everything that had happened to Pearl, why?

“The diamonds weren’t always so deeply deluded. Our history is a violent one, but there were moments where we had choices. We are as capable of good as the beings of this planet. We just have too much time. So much time that we find too many ways to exonerate ourselves of all our crimes.”

Peridot had no sensible response. She left the words to settle. The clouds cast faint shadows over them.

“I know home is different now, but in my time it was beautiful. We couldn’t save it. So we came here.”

“Save it?”

“We couldn’t convince them that love, does in fact exist.”

Peridot supposed that really was the heart of things. Everything came back to love.

“I think about that,” Peridot turned to her side and placed her head in her hand, “I mean, I was always doing technician’s work so I hardly saw much of the rest of my district. I was working in ships, building ships, building all kinds of vital components of modern gem technology. I didn’t care about anything other than being good at what I did,” Peridot thought for a moment and couldn’t hold back a self-indulgent snicker, “I was probably _the best at what I did_. But anyway, I never had time to think that there was more to existing… that there were… things like this,” she gestured to the clouds, “I mean not just the clouds themselves or the atmosphere, but being here, with everyone… with you…caring… about _things_ … hrrrm.”

“That would be something. If home could actually change.”

“You don’t think it can?”

“Well,” Peridot watched Pearl bite her lip, “we couldn’t do it back then, and it apparently only got worse these past few thousand years.”

That wasn’t what Peridot had expected to hear.

“Well, what about me? I was stuck here, and I could have betrayed you countless times. By all account, I probably would have been justified in doing that. But I didn’t.”

“You sound like Steven.”

“Well, Steven makes sense.”

“Ok. You got me. So I take that back: maybe one day we can go back home, to the way things are supposed to be. At peace.”

“It’s only a matter of time.” Peridot shrugged. 

Pearl smiled, and it quickly turned into gentle laughter. She moved closer to Peridot, and the other watched in wonder as Pearl placed her dainty head over Peridot’s chest, reaching one arm around her.

“You’re so good. More good than you know.” Pearl nestled close. 

Peridot had missed this.

She had her hands in the air, afraid to bring them down, afraid of what she would do with her hands. Hesitantly, her hands came down. Her left rested over her stomach, over Pearl’s arm. Her right, she brought down above Pearl’s head, and then, slowly, into her hair.

Pearl’s feathery hair. Soft as it always was.

She thought she was very bad at it, but she stroked Pearl’s crown, indulging in the softness of each strand.

Silence encapsulated the moment. Peridot listened to the faint ukulele and violin. Listened to the breeze that had been so comforting the whole day. Some birds were still out. She listened to them, too. Everything was ok. Nothing was wrong. It wasn’t terrifying to be touching Pearl. It was the opposite. It was a relief. 

“I don’t know how to kiss.” That was the real problem.

There was a lull in Pearl’s response, but she sat up a little.

“Is that so?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for weeks. To the detriment of my sanity.”

“Why have you been thinking about that?”

Peridot thought that was a cruel question. She almost sat up to shove Pearl away.

“If I ever have to do it, I want to make sure I do it right.”

“When do you think you’ll have to kiss someone?” 

Peridot was terrible at flirting. But she did know when it was happening.

“Well, uh, probably soon.”

“Soon, huh? Then I guess you need someone to show you. _Soon_.” Pearl was still lying down on her side, but was propped up on her elbows looking down at Peridot. 

Peridot dissolved into Pearl’s shadow.

“I thought, we were, um, looking at clouds.”

“I think this is more important.”

“Ok.” Her voice had gotten so small. Had Pearl even heard her response?

“I know a few kinds of kisses. Like,” Pearl bent down and lightly kissed her cheek, “or this,” she kissed both her eyelids, “this one is one of my favorites,” she leaned down to Peridot’s gem, planting a balmy kiss there.

Peridot thought maybe she felt something thumping in her chest. But she couldn’t recall putting a heart there. Regardless, she was as scattered as the petals from Pearl’s palm.

“… that was a very informative demonstration.”

“Yeah? Well there’s another one I know. Do you want me to show you?”

Peridot nodded in a daze.

“This is the most difficult. So I’ll do it slow. Don’t be afraid to take your time following.”

Pearl’s lips found hers, and for a moment Peridot couldn’t part hers. She felt Pearl’s smile, and that’s when she was able to return the action. It didn’t take long for the kiss to become a little more complicated, but the small gem felt like they were doing pretty good. She felt Pearl’s long fingers on either side of her head, and the kiss seemed to get better. And better. 

And better.

Soon Peridot wondered why everyone wasn’t constantly kissing their favorite someone. Because this was turning out to be one of the best things she’d ever experienced.

But eventually Pearl pulled away. Before hands started reaching other places. Before lips wandered as well.

“How do you feel?” Pearl cuddled back into Peridot’s side.

Peridot was staring up at the clouds. She blinked.

“Much better.”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe we can do that again later. So I don’t forget. You know. Sometimes I get a little lost.”

Pearl took Peridot’s left hand and kissed it, holding it a moment.

“Of course. I get lost, too. But never with you.”

_With you._

_…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….._

“What are you painting?” Steven leaned over Lapis, who had almost completely covered her watercolor sheet with imagery. It was a twilight scene, with a distant sunset and a sky full of stars.

“Who are those two?” Connie pointed to the backside of one taller figure beside another shorter one, both curled high up in a dark tree. There was a forest, shadowed greatly in deep blues.

“Just some story I heard. I could never get it quite right. But I think I can imagine now better, how it might have looked.” Lapis leaned back from the painting, a smile across her lips.

She turned her eyes to the falling sun, then down at Pearl and Peridot lying peacefully in the grass.

“Just some really lovely story.”

**Author's Note:**

> ...... yeah I'm sorry.


End file.
